30 Days of Thanksgiving- Day 1

Besotted

1.5 years.

18 months.

547.5 days.

13,140 hours.

I am in awe of how life has changed since this sweet child entered my world.  I have seen, experienced, felt, done things I never thought possible.  In the past 18 months, I have witnessed so many firsts: first smile, first tooth, first step, first word, even a first hospital stay.  I have witnessed love and friendships blossoming between siblings.  As well as compassion, camaraderie, challenges...  I have witnessed personalities mature.  Independence tested.  Reassurance sought.  I have witnessed family not as a noun, but as a living, breathing, growing, loving verb.  I have found my comfort.  I have found my solace.  I have found my anxiety, my fear.  I have found my frustration.  I have found my responsibility.  I have found my continuing, growing love.  I am besotted.

Wouldn't you be?

Love Thursday: Something Grand...

"If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite,

something that makes one feel aware of God,

one need not go far to find it.

I think that I see something deeper, more infinite,

more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the

eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning

and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle."

-- Vincent van Gogh

Love Thursday

Little Sister

"She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark...."

(Partial Quote)

~Barbara Alpert

One Month

Today at 6:00 am, my baby turned one month old.

I've had one month of baby ears....

One month of baby toes....
One month of baby fingers...
One month of this sweet baby face...
And I can't get enough.
So many sweet moments. So many sweet memories.

Every day she grows and changes.

Every day I grieve the loss of the day before.

But... I look forward to the new day ahead.

The moments still to come.

The memories still to be made.

It's going to be amazing... I can feel it.

Day Six

So, we've made it to day six. Tomorrow this sweet child will be a whole week old.

Here's the thing. There is the rational part of my brain. And then there is this overwhelming irrational part that likes to take over way too often.

Rationally, I know that all babies grow up. Rationally, I know that we would most likely go insane if our babies never grew up and stayed at the newborn stage. Rationally, I know it would be extremely difficult to bring a newborn home from the hospital to a house with 3 other newborns. That's what would happen if I brought my newest baby home to my house where my 3 other children (the 3 children who have stayed newborns for the past 8, 6, and 2 years) live. Rationally I know there is a reason babies only stay babies for a certain amount of time. We do need to get on with our life, watch these sweet innocent beings come into their own. Learn, grow, explore...

But! But there is that sneaky little irrational part of my brain. The part that says NO! No no no no. Nononononoononono! It is not right for babies to grow up! This is the best part of life- the sweet noises- squeaks and grunts. Sneezes and yawns. Smiles that materialize while they are falling asleep. Rooting around on the side of your face while making little "uh uh" sounds. The wiggly fists as they are stretching. The smell of their little head. How incredibly unbelievably soft their hair and cheeks and hands and tiny little feet are. How miraculous these sweet little beings are. How can I not want that to last forever?

Seriously. Forever. And ever and ever. And ever.

Lily

6 days old

Love hurts...

Here we are. Five days have passed. Five whole days have flown by. And it hurts.

I honestly don't understand this pain- this heaviness in my heart that drags me down.

I just had a baby. Shouldn't I be elated? Ecstatic? Delighted? Overjoyed?

But honestly, I don't feel those things.

I feel an overwhelming, overflowing amount of love. And it hurts.

This sweet child that I felt growing in my belly for the last nine months is now in my arms.

This child that brought so many emotions through a bit of a tumultuous pregnancy.

I had grown to love her so much before I met her- and now she is here and I can't contain that love. I stare at her for hours. I hold her constantly. I can't stand to be away from her. She was a part of me for so long- how can I put her down now? But what is going to happen months from now? Years from now? When I am forced to put her down and let her walk on her own? Let her explore on her own? She was with me, in me, a part of me- how can I let her be an individual when she is so much a piece of me?

My doctor told me something very profound after I gave birth. I was in awe of what I had been through, a medication free birth that happened much more quickly than I though would happen (arrived at the hospital at 5:20 am- baby born at 6:00 am)- and he told me I was brilliant. He actually said that word. Brilliant. Then he told me that I went to a place in my head where no one could help me. I went to that place and I came through it. I was able to get past the pain and get to the other side. And now, I know I have that in me. That anything that I encounter in life, any obstacles, I can get past it. I can find that same thing within me, go to that same place in my head, and use that to get through.

I think it's time I seek that again- because I already need it to get through.

It's only been five days. Five days.

It's amazing to realize how much you can love someone, and how much it can hurt.

Sweet Lily Lulu

5 days old