Journal

I struggle with a phobia.  To some, it may seem silly.  To me?  It's a day to day struggle with fear.  I deal with it the best I can, but it is a struggle.  Many days, I feel as though I am floundering.  Flopping, stumbling, flailing around.  Panic sets in at a moment's notice.  I've been to therapy, I've joined message/support boards.  There are others out there who feel as I feel.  But they aren't my family.  They aren't the ones closest to me.  And the ones closest to me are the ones who understand me the least.  They can't get inside my head to feel the unrelenting fear, oftentimes leaning toward hysteria.  They see the outcome- my reactions, my "attacks".  But there isn't the understanding, the "I know what she is going through."  They, then, are the ones struggling.  Struggling with frustration over my behavior.  Irritation that I can't just "let it go." Pressure of "you need help.  You need to be on medication."  Ridicule and jokes, trying to laugh it off.  Sure I join in- I try to make it the biggest joke of all.  But inside, it feels as though I'm being torn apart.  I'm exhausted.  I'm just so tired of fear.

I fear illness.  I fear death.  I fear sleep.  I fear something happening to me, my kids, my husband...

Then I read something about "How to be Happy!" I hear how to turn my life around.  Release your fear!  Live for the moment!  And that is when a different fear sets in.  What am I doing to my children exposing them to this constant struggle I have?  Then other thoughts:  Why am I forcing them to do their school work, to rest, to take "quiet time", to go to practice, to eat right....  Shouldn't each day be lived to the fullest?  We should be exploring!  Bike riding!  Hiking!  Traveling!  Eating junk food!   What if something happens to me, to them, to their dad?  What will their memories be?  Me yelling to clean up the house already?  Hurry up and finish your school work?  Would you stop dawdling and get back to work?  Leave your sister alone!  Why did you do that!  Clean up!  Get to work!  Help out!  Do this!  Do that!

This is when I wonder, where is the happy medium?  When am I supposed to push, and when am I supposed to back off?  Where do I instill structure and where do I allow free fall?  How do I do it right when I worry I've already done so much of it wrong?

It's late, I can't think anymore.  I'm tired of the fear.  But I know for now, it is my constant companion.  How do I release it?  How?