Love hurts...

Here we are. Five days have passed. Five whole days have flown by. And it hurts.

I honestly don't understand this pain- this heaviness in my heart that drags me down.

I just had a baby. Shouldn't I be elated? Ecstatic? Delighted? Overjoyed?

But honestly, I don't feel those things.

I feel an overwhelming, overflowing amount of love. And it hurts.

This sweet child that I felt growing in my belly for the last nine months is now in my arms.

This child that brought so many emotions through a bit of a tumultuous pregnancy.

I had grown to love her so much before I met her- and now she is here and I can't contain that love. I stare at her for hours. I hold her constantly. I can't stand to be away from her. She was a part of me for so long- how can I put her down now? But what is going to happen months from now? Years from now? When I am forced to put her down and let her walk on her own? Let her explore on her own? She was with me, in me, a part of me- how can I let her be an individual when she is so much a piece of me?

My doctor told me something very profound after I gave birth. I was in awe of what I had been through, a medication free birth that happened much more quickly than I though would happen (arrived at the hospital at 5:20 am- baby born at 6:00 am)- and he told me I was brilliant. He actually said that word. Brilliant. Then he told me that I went to a place in my head where no one could help me. I went to that place and I came through it. I was able to get past the pain and get to the other side. And now, I know I have that in me. That anything that I encounter in life, any obstacles, I can get past it. I can find that same thing within me, go to that same place in my head, and use that to get through.

I think it's time I seek that again- because I already need it to get through.

It's only been five days. Five days.

It's amazing to realize how much you can love someone, and how much it can hurt.

Sweet Lily Lulu

5 days old