Fear

There have been some things happening lately that have brought this word to the forefront of my every thought.  Fear.  What is it that makes us fear so much?  The unknown?  The worst possible "known"?  I think I have found that my fear stems from lack of control.  The feeling that I have no control over what will happen.  What am I saying?  It's not the feeling that I have no control, it's knowing that I have absolutely no control.  Period.  The end.  

No control.

So, it appears I've gotten myself knocked up again.  Number 4.  That's crazy!  Or so I thought for a while.  All the thoughts went through my head: What are we going to do?  FOUR kids?  How are we going to do this?  I can't do this!  Then I had a reminder from God.  

It's not my decision.  Either way- fourth child or not- it is not my decision.  

I had a pretty bad scare last Monday that put me on bed-rest for 48 hours before I begged my doctor for an ultrasound to find out what is going on.  I will find out Tuesday what the ultrasound showed- but what it showed me was a perfectly healthy beautiful baby.  

No control.  I know what this means.  But I also know that even thought I have no control, I do have prayer.  And meditation.  And lots and lots of movies.  And wonderful, kind-hearted family members.  And comforting friends.  I may not have control- but look what I do have.