I've fallen away from using my big digital camera recently- it seems I rely on my phone and the fun photo apps for all my pictures.  I've been a bit disappointed in my photo-taking when it comes to the big digital camera... I'm hoping to take some courses to figure out what it is I'm doing wrong.  In the mean time, it's fun documenting our life with images that look as though they were shot circa 1970-1980.

Today was another field trip.  These have become our favorite days as of late.  Today's was incredible.  It was a quick walk through the woods, then sitting to write poetry.  Amazing how that can translate to so much fun.

We're learning so much just about the beauty of nature.

It's amazing what a little illness can do to good intentions.  I've missed a few days... luckily, I think I'm the only one who noticed.  A few pictures summing up the time missed:

Just a little sisterly love.  These two amaze me.

Dressed for Easter.  Jake was sick, so the two bigs attended church dressed in their Sunday best.  They sang in the church choir for two masses, and did beautifully.

Our dyed eggs.

Jake feeling better to join us for Easter dinner.

Lily was stung by a wasp (thus the white gunk on her leg - AKA baking soda).  She was so upset, nothing a nice thing of coconut water won't fix.

Our field trip to learn about bugs of decomposition.

A few days later, Lily wasn't feeling so well.  Fevers are the pits.  She was happy to watch her Elmo.

The two girls again.  Watching a show cuddled up together.

Finally up to date.  Today was a fun bike ride, followed up by a "popsicle party."

Showing off his rip-sticking skills.

Superfluity

Learning to roll our tongue, feeding and holding the family pet, new hairstyles.... It was a full day.  And I took pictures of it all.  The activities were most definitely not superfluous.  The amount of pictures may be.  

Journal

I struggle with a phobia.  To some, it may seem silly.  To me?  It's a day to day struggle with fear.  I deal with it the best I can, but it is a struggle.  Many days, I feel as though I am floundering.  Flopping, stumbling, flailing around.  Panic sets in at a moment's notice.  I've been to therapy, I've joined message/support boards.  There are others out there who feel as I feel.  But they aren't my family.  They aren't the ones closest to me.  And the ones closest to me are the ones who understand me the least.  They can't get inside my head to feel the unrelenting fear, oftentimes leaning toward hysteria.  They see the outcome- my reactions, my "attacks".  But there isn't the understanding, the "I know what she is going through."  They, then, are the ones struggling.  Struggling with frustration over my behavior.  Irritation that I can't just "let it go." Pressure of "you need help.  You need to be on medication."  Ridicule and jokes, trying to laugh it off.  Sure I join in- I try to make it the biggest joke of all.  But inside, it feels as though I'm being torn apart.  I'm exhausted.  I'm just so tired of fear.

I fear illness.  I fear death.  I fear sleep.  I fear something happening to me, my kids, my husband...

Then I read something about "How to be Happy!" I hear how to turn my life around.  Release your fear!  Live for the moment!  And that is when a different fear sets in.  What am I doing to my children exposing them to this constant struggle I have?  Then other thoughts:  Why am I forcing them to do their school work, to rest, to take "quiet time", to go to practice, to eat right....  Shouldn't each day be lived to the fullest?  We should be exploring!  Bike riding!  Hiking!  Traveling!  Eating junk food!   What if something happens to me, to them, to their dad?  What will their memories be?  Me yelling to clean up the house already?  Hurry up and finish your school work?  Would you stop dawdling and get back to work?  Leave your sister alone!  Why did you do that!  Clean up!  Get to work!  Help out!  Do this!  Do that!

This is when I wonder, where is the happy medium?  When am I supposed to push, and when am I supposed to back off?  Where do I instill structure and where do I allow free fall?  How do I do it right when I worry I've already done so much of it wrong?

It's late, I can't think anymore.  I'm tired of the fear.  But I know for now, it is my constant companion.  How do I release it?  How?

Mohawk

Stop. Go!

We made another stop motion video today, only this time Emma made one with a friend.  Meaning, she and her friend acted, while Mommy took the pictures, downloaded the pictures, put the pictures together into a movie, took out any bad pictures, added music to the pictures....  But still, Emma and her friend made today's movie.  They were so excited with how it turned out, and they had a blast acting it out.  

The funny thing about stop motion- you aren't just looking to take a picture of a smiling face.  You're looking for the "action".  The movement, the motion.  Here are a few of today's pictures:  

Now I just need a few photography lessons, a class or two, and I bet I could turn these pictures into real works of art.  

The Second Day

I remembered!  I remembered!

This first picture isn't actually from today, but I did download it from my camera today.  I think that somewhat counts, right?  I have this funny little thing about finding hearts in unexpected places.
Emma surprised me the other morning with a perfectly shaped heart cereal flake.  I mean perfectly shaped.  It even came to a point at the bottom (under her fingers).  We, of course, had to have an immediate cereal flake photo shoot.  Afterwards, Emma realized she was having trouble with the idea of consuming a heart shaped cereal flake.  We finally settled on the idea that if she ate it, she would just have that much more love in her day.

We "love" cereal!

Today we had a fun, albeit hectic, long, frustrating, manic...  where was I?  Oh right, today we had a fun (ahem) photo shoot for a stop action movie we made for Granddad for his birthday.  It ended up turning out pretty darn cute, and you couldn't even tell they had plastered on smiles.  Their smiles were covering quite irritated expressions over their manic mother's unseemly conduct.  But, after the sighs, tears, strangled yells (all mine), it ended up being a work of... fun.

An outtake of the 335 photos taken.

Victory Garden

Thirty days of Thanksgiving... well, at least I accomplished one day.
Let's see if my next endeavor works.
I've always wanted to keep a journal but honestly, I'm not organized enough to make that work.  My plan is to live up to my blog's name of "Picture This" by taking a snapshot of each day.  It will hopefully be my "photo journal".
So I will begin with a picture of the babes- even though it isn't from today.  Because, I mean really.  Look at them!  They're just too cute.

On to the picture of the day.  I was trying to find a good title for this blog post and stumbled upon the term "Victory Garden."  A Victory Garden was typically a home garden grown to increase food production during times of war.  Today, I felt a bit victorious when walking out to our little garden and picking our first delicious sweet peas.  We planted a garden a few months ago consisting of tomatoes, peppers, basil, parsley, romaine lettuce, sweet peas, and green beans.  All are growing well, we've been using the lettuce almost every day on sandwiches, in tacos, in salads...  But for some reason, I am most excited about these sweet peas.  It might have something to do with my own nostalgia.  I have such fond memories of picking and eating sweet peas right out of my Papa's garden.  Sitting right down in the dirt of the garden, plucking the plump pods from the plant, putting my thumbs in the seam and slowly opening the outer shell revealing the round, light green, delectable spheres.  And then, popping them one by one right into my mouth.  It was like my childhood came flooding back.  But it was even better, because now, now I get to witness my children enjoying and savoring the sweet taste of spring.  Right from their own backyard.  They had the best flavor.  Wholesome.  Grown and tended by hands.  Warmed and sweetened by the spring sun and rain showers.  It was pretty exciting.  Needless to say, today Victory Garden has a bit of a different meaning to me.

I can't wait to pick and taste the green beans!

30 Days of Thanksgiving- Day 1

Besotted

1.5 years.

18 months.

547.5 days.

13,140 hours.

I am in awe of how life has changed since this sweet child entered my world.  I have seen, experienced, felt, done things I never thought possible.  In the past 18 months, I have witnessed so many firsts: first smile, first tooth, first step, first word, even a first hospital stay.  I have witnessed love and friendships blossoming between siblings.  As well as compassion, camaraderie, challenges...  I have witnessed personalities mature.  Independence tested.  Reassurance sought.  I have witnessed family not as a noun, but as a living, breathing, growing, loving verb.  I have found my comfort.  I have found my solace.  I have found my anxiety, my fear.  I have found my frustration.  I have found my responsibility.  I have found my continuing, growing love.  I am besotted.

Wouldn't you be?

Love Thursday: Something Grand...

"If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite,

something that makes one feel aware of God,

one need not go far to find it.

I think that I see something deeper, more infinite,

more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the

eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning

and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle."

-- Vincent van Gogh

Love Thursday

Little Sister

"She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark...."

(Partial Quote)

~Barbara Alpert

One Month

Today at 6:00 am, my baby turned one month old.

I've had one month of baby ears....

One month of baby toes....
One month of baby fingers...
One month of this sweet baby face...
And I can't get enough.
So many sweet moments. So many sweet memories.

Every day she grows and changes.

Every day I grieve the loss of the day before.

But... I look forward to the new day ahead.

The moments still to come.

The memories still to be made.

It's going to be amazing... I can feel it.

Day Six

So, we've made it to day six. Tomorrow this sweet child will be a whole week old.

Here's the thing. There is the rational part of my brain. And then there is this overwhelming irrational part that likes to take over way too often.

Rationally, I know that all babies grow up. Rationally, I know that we would most likely go insane if our babies never grew up and stayed at the newborn stage. Rationally, I know it would be extremely difficult to bring a newborn home from the hospital to a house with 3 other newborns. That's what would happen if I brought my newest baby home to my house where my 3 other children (the 3 children who have stayed newborns for the past 8, 6, and 2 years) live. Rationally I know there is a reason babies only stay babies for a certain amount of time. We do need to get on with our life, watch these sweet innocent beings come into their own. Learn, grow, explore...

But! But there is that sneaky little irrational part of my brain. The part that says NO! No no no no. Nononononoononono! It is not right for babies to grow up! This is the best part of life- the sweet noises- squeaks and grunts. Sneezes and yawns. Smiles that materialize while they are falling asleep. Rooting around on the side of your face while making little "uh uh" sounds. The wiggly fists as they are stretching. The smell of their little head. How incredibly unbelievably soft their hair and cheeks and hands and tiny little feet are. How miraculous these sweet little beings are. How can I not want that to last forever?

Seriously. Forever. And ever and ever. And ever.

Lily

6 days old

Love hurts...

Here we are. Five days have passed. Five whole days have flown by. And it hurts.

I honestly don't understand this pain- this heaviness in my heart that drags me down.

I just had a baby. Shouldn't I be elated? Ecstatic? Delighted? Overjoyed?

But honestly, I don't feel those things.

I feel an overwhelming, overflowing amount of love. And it hurts.

This sweet child that I felt growing in my belly for the last nine months is now in my arms.

This child that brought so many emotions through a bit of a tumultuous pregnancy.

I had grown to love her so much before I met her- and now she is here and I can't contain that love. I stare at her for hours. I hold her constantly. I can't stand to be away from her. She was a part of me for so long- how can I put her down now? But what is going to happen months from now? Years from now? When I am forced to put her down and let her walk on her own? Let her explore on her own? She was with me, in me, a part of me- how can I let her be an individual when she is so much a piece of me?

My doctor told me something very profound after I gave birth. I was in awe of what I had been through, a medication free birth that happened much more quickly than I though would happen (arrived at the hospital at 5:20 am- baby born at 6:00 am)- and he told me I was brilliant. He actually said that word. Brilliant. Then he told me that I went to a place in my head where no one could help me. I went to that place and I came through it. I was able to get past the pain and get to the other side. And now, I know I have that in me. That anything that I encounter in life, any obstacles, I can get past it. I can find that same thing within me, go to that same place in my head, and use that to get through.

I think it's time I seek that again- because I already need it to get through.

It's only been five days. Five days.

It's amazing to realize how much you can love someone, and how much it can hurt.

Sweet Lily Lulu

5 days old

Postpartum

So, another 4+ months have passed, and we have added another new member to our family!

Lily Adeline joined our brood on March 6, 2010 at 6:00 am.

She is lovely. Absolutely lovely! She surprised us by coming very quickly- and arriving with a full head of dark hair! My other children had a light spattering of "dirty" blonde hair. This little girl has a full head. And dark!! She has this amazing spot of white hair on the left side of her head- and we have lovingly nicknamed her Rogue (as in X-Men).

The bigger kids absolutely adore her. Emma can't stop kissing her. Charlie always wants to check on her- and his voice goes up about 3 octaves as he says, "Awwwwwwwww!" And Jake! Well, he just always wants to know where "Baby Hily" is. He loves rubbing his cheek against her cheek and rubbing her head/playing with her hair. I pray, pray, pray that this level of love remains from each of them as she grows, and she feels it always from our family.

So- here she is, our sweet little Lily Lulu: