I've fallen away from using my big digital camera recently- it seems I rely on my phone and the fun photo apps for all my pictures.  I've been a bit disappointed in my photo-taking when it comes to the big digital camera... I'm hoping to take some courses to figure out what it is I'm doing wrong.  In the mean time, it's fun documenting our life with images that look as though they were shot circa 1970-1980.

Today was another field trip.  These have become our favorite days as of late.  Today's was incredible.  It was a quick walk through the woods, then sitting to write poetry.  Amazing how that can translate to so much fun.

We're learning so much just about the beauty of nature.

It's amazing what a little illness can do to good intentions.  I've missed a few days... luckily, I think I'm the only one who noticed.  A few pictures summing up the time missed:

Just a little sisterly love.  These two amaze me.

Dressed for Easter.  Jake was sick, so the two bigs attended church dressed in their Sunday best.  They sang in the church choir for two masses, and did beautifully.

Our dyed eggs.

Jake feeling better to join us for Easter dinner.

Lily was stung by a wasp (thus the white gunk on her leg - AKA baking soda).  She was so upset, nothing a nice thing of coconut water won't fix.

Our field trip to learn about bugs of decomposition.

A few days later, Lily wasn't feeling so well.  Fevers are the pits.  She was happy to watch her Elmo.

The two girls again.  Watching a show cuddled up together.

Finally up to date.  Today was a fun bike ride, followed up by a "popsicle party."

Showing off his rip-sticking skills.

Superfluity

Learning to roll our tongue, feeding and holding the family pet, new hairstyles.... It was a full day.  And I took pictures of it all.  The activities were most definitely not superfluous.  The amount of pictures may be.  

Journal

I struggle with a phobia.  To some, it may seem silly.  To me?  It's a day to day struggle with fear.  I deal with it the best I can, but it is a struggle.  Many days, I feel as though I am floundering.  Flopping, stumbling, flailing around.  Panic sets in at a moment's notice.  I've been to therapy, I've joined message/support boards.  There are others out there who feel as I feel.  But they aren't my family.  They aren't the ones closest to me.  And the ones closest to me are the ones who understand me the least.  They can't get inside my head to feel the unrelenting fear, oftentimes leaning toward hysteria.  They see the outcome- my reactions, my "attacks".  But there isn't the understanding, the "I know what she is going through."  They, then, are the ones struggling.  Struggling with frustration over my behavior.  Irritation that I can't just "let it go." Pressure of "you need help.  You need to be on medication."  Ridicule and jokes, trying to laugh it off.  Sure I join in- I try to make it the biggest joke of all.  But inside, it feels as though I'm being torn apart.  I'm exhausted.  I'm just so tired of fear.

I fear illness.  I fear death.  I fear sleep.  I fear something happening to me, my kids, my husband...

Then I read something about "How to be Happy!" I hear how to turn my life around.  Release your fear!  Live for the moment!  And that is when a different fear sets in.  What am I doing to my children exposing them to this constant struggle I have?  Then other thoughts:  Why am I forcing them to do their school work, to rest, to take "quiet time", to go to practice, to eat right....  Shouldn't each day be lived to the fullest?  We should be exploring!  Bike riding!  Hiking!  Traveling!  Eating junk food!   What if something happens to me, to them, to their dad?  What will their memories be?  Me yelling to clean up the house already?  Hurry up and finish your school work?  Would you stop dawdling and get back to work?  Leave your sister alone!  Why did you do that!  Clean up!  Get to work!  Help out!  Do this!  Do that!

This is when I wonder, where is the happy medium?  When am I supposed to push, and when am I supposed to back off?  Where do I instill structure and where do I allow free fall?  How do I do it right when I worry I've already done so much of it wrong?

It's late, I can't think anymore.  I'm tired of the fear.  But I know for now, it is my constant companion.  How do I release it?  How?

Mohawk

Stop. Go!

We made another stop motion video today, only this time Emma made one with a friend.  Meaning, she and her friend acted, while Mommy took the pictures, downloaded the pictures, put the pictures together into a movie, took out any bad pictures, added music to the pictures....  But still, Emma and her friend made today's movie.  They were so excited with how it turned out, and they had a blast acting it out.  

The funny thing about stop motion- you aren't just looking to take a picture of a smiling face.  You're looking for the "action".  The movement, the motion.  Here are a few of today's pictures:  

Now I just need a few photography lessons, a class or two, and I bet I could turn these pictures into real works of art.  

The Second Day

I remembered!  I remembered!

This first picture isn't actually from today, but I did download it from my camera today.  I think that somewhat counts, right?  I have this funny little thing about finding hearts in unexpected places.
Emma surprised me the other morning with a perfectly shaped heart cereal flake.  I mean perfectly shaped.  It even came to a point at the bottom (under her fingers).  We, of course, had to have an immediate cereal flake photo shoot.  Afterwards, Emma realized she was having trouble with the idea of consuming a heart shaped cereal flake.  We finally settled on the idea that if she ate it, she would just have that much more love in her day.

We "love" cereal!

Today we had a fun, albeit hectic, long, frustrating, manic...  where was I?  Oh right, today we had a fun (ahem) photo shoot for a stop action movie we made for Granddad for his birthday.  It ended up turning out pretty darn cute, and you couldn't even tell they had plastered on smiles.  Their smiles were covering quite irritated expressions over their manic mother's unseemly conduct.  But, after the sighs, tears, strangled yells (all mine), it ended up being a work of... fun.

An outtake of the 335 photos taken.