Picture this...

30 Days of Thanksgiving- Day 1

2011-11-01T22:06:00.002-05:00

Besotted

2011-09-01T22:28:00.003-05:00

1.5 years.

18 months.

547.5 days.

13,140 hours.

I am in awe of how life has changed since this sweet child entered my world. I have seen, experienced, felt, done things I never thought possible. In the past 18 months, I have witnessed so many firsts: first smile, first tooth, first step, first word, even a first hospital stay. I have witnessed love and friendships blossoming between siblings. As well as compassion, camaraderie, challenges... I have witnessed personalities mature. Independence tested. Reassurance sought. I have witnessed family not as a noun, but as a living, breathing, growing, loving verb. I have found my comfort. I have found my solace. I have found my anxiety, my fear. I have found my frustration. I have found my responsibility. I have found my continuing, growing love. I am besotted.

Wouldn't you be?

Love Thursday: Something Grand...

2010-04-22T13:40:00.004-05:00

"If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite,

something that makes one feel aware of God,

one need not go far to find it.

I think that I see something deeper, more infinite,

more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the

eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning

and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle."

-- Vincent van Gogh

Love Thursday

2010-04-15T09:14:00.005-05:00

Little Sister

"She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark...."

(Partial Quote)

~Barbara Alpert

One Month

2010-04-06T08:39:00.005-05:00

Today at 6:00 am, my baby turned one month old.

I've had one month of baby ears....

One month of baby toes....
One month of baby fingers...
One month of this sweet baby face...
And I can't get enough.
So many sweet moments. So many sweet memories.

Every day she grows and changes.

Every day I grieve the loss of the day before.

But... I look forward to the new day ahead.

The moments still to come.

The memories still to be made.

It's going to be amazing... I can feel it.

Day Six

2010-03-12T16:49:00.004-05:00

So, we've made it to day six. Tomorrow this sweet child will be a whole week old.

Here's the thing. There is the rational part of my brain. And then there is this overwhelming irrational part that likes to take over way too often.

Rationally, I know that all babies grow up. Rationally, I know that we would most likely go insane if our babies never grew up and stayed at the newborn stage. Rationally, I know it would be extremely difficult to bring a newborn home from the hospital to a house with 3 other newborns. That's what would happen if I brought my newest baby home to my house where my 3 other children (the 3 children who have stayed newborns for the past 8, 6, and 2 years) live. Rationally I know there is a reason babies only stay babies for a certain amount of time. We do need to get on with our life, watch these sweet innocent beings come into their own. Learn, grow, explore...

But! But there is that sneaky little irrational part of my brain. The part that says NO! No no no no. Nononononoononono! It is not right for babies to grow up! This is the best part of life- the sweet noises- squeaks and grunts. Sneezes and yawns. Smiles that materialize while they are falling asleep. Rooting around on the side of your face while making little "uh uh" sounds. The wiggly fists as they are stretching. The smell of their little head. How incredibly unbelievably soft their hair and cheeks and hands and tiny little feet are. How miraculous these sweet little beings are. How can I not want that to last forever?

Seriously. Forever. And ever and ever. And ever.

Lily

6 days old

Love hurts...

2010-03-11T17:07:00.004-05:00

Here we are. Five days have passed. Five whole days have flown by. And it hurts.

I honestly don't understand this pain- this heaviness in my heart that drags me down.

I just had a baby. Shouldn't I be elated? Ecstatic? Delighted? Overjoyed?

But honestly, I don't feel those things.

I feel an overwhelming, overflowing amount of love. And it hurts.

This sweet child that I felt growing in my belly for the last nine months is now in my arms.

This child that brought so many emotions through a bit of a tumultuous pregnancy.

I had grown to love her so much before I met her- and now she is here and I can't contain that love. I stare at her for hours. I hold her constantly. I can't stand to be away from her. She was a part of me for so long- how can I put her down now? But what is going to happen months from now? Years from now? When I am forced to put her down and let her walk on her own? Let her explore on her own? She was with me, in me, a part of me- how can I let her be an individual when she is so much a piece of me?

My doctor told me something very profound after I gave birth. I was in awe of what I had been through, a medication free birth that happened much more quickly than I though would happen (arrived at the hospital at 5:20 am- baby born at 6:00 am)- and he told me I was brilliant. He actually said that word. Brilliant. Then he told me that I went to a place in my head where no one could help me. I went to that place and I came through it. I was able to get past the pain and get to the other side. And now, I know I have that in me. That anything that I encounter in life, any obstacles, I can get past it. I can find that same thing within me, go to that same place in my head, and use that to get through.

I think it's time I seek that again- because I already need it to get through.

It's only been five days. Five days.

It's amazing to realize how much you can love someone, and how much it can hurt.

Sweet Lily Lulu

5 days old

Postpartum

2010-03-10T15:51:00.003-05:00

So, another 4+ months have passed, and we have added another new member to our family!

Lily Adeline joined our brood on March 6, 2010 at 6:00 am.

She is lovely. Absolutely lovely! She surprised us by coming very quickly- and arriving with a full head of dark hair! My other children had a light spattering of "dirty" blonde hair. This little girl has a full head. And dark!! She has this amazing spot of white hair on the left side of her head- and we have lovingly nicknamed her Rogue (as in X-Men).

The bigger kids absolutely adore her. Emma can't stop kissing her. Charlie always wants to check on her- and his voice goes up about 3 octaves as he says, "Awwwwwwwww!" And Jake! Well, he just always wants to know where "Baby Hily" is. He loves rubbing his cheek against her cheek and rubbing her head/playing with her hair. I pray, pray, pray that this level of love remains from each of them as she grows, and she feels it always from our family.

So- here she is, our sweet little Lily Lulu:

Dragonfly

2009-10-27T22:45:00.003-05:00

Taken in our front yard....

"Open your window and look upon
All the kinds of alive you can be
Be still, be light, believe me"

~Lyrics from "Little Bird"

~The Weepies

Love Thursday: Brothers

2009-10-22T15:03:00.005-05:00

Sometimes being a brother

is even better than being a superhero.

~Marc Brown

Charlie helping Jake ride a bike (I know it's pink...)

There's no other love like the love for a brother.

There's no other love like the love from a brother.

~Astrid Alauda

Sunset

2009-10-02T23:03:00.008-05:00

"Clouds come floating into my life,

no longer to carry rain or usher storm,

but to add color to my sunset sky."

~ Rabindranath Tagore

Love Thursday

2009-09-03T08:12:00.002-05:00

"No, there's nothing half so sweet in life

As love's young dream."

~Thomas Moore

Fear

2009-08-29T20:07:00.004-05:00

There have been some things happening lately that have brought this word to the forefront of my every thought. Fear. What is it that makes us fear so much? The unknown? The worst possible "known"? I think I have found that my fear stems from lack of control. The feeling that I have no control over what will happen. What am I saying? It's not the feeling that I have no control, it's knowing that I have absolutely no control. Period. The end.

No control.

So, it appears I've gotten myself knocked up again. Number 4. That's crazy! Or so I thought for a while. All the thoughts went through my head: What are we going to do? FOUR kids? How are we going to do this? I can't do this! Then I had a reminder from God.

It's not my decision. Either way- fourth child or not- it is not my decision.

I had a pretty bad scare last Monday that put me on bed-rest for 48 hours before I begged my doctor for an ultrasound to find out what is going on. I will find out Tuesday what the ultrasound showed- but what it showed me was a perfectly healthy beautiful baby.

No control. I know what this means. But I also know that even thought I have no control, I do have prayer. And meditation. And lots and lots of movies. And wonderful, kind-hearted family members. And comforting friends. I may not have control- but look what I do have.

Something New

2009-08-22T22:23:00.004-05:00

I've decided to do something new to try to keep things fresh. You know- Fresh! Exciting! Gripping! Riveting! Or maybe it's just something to keep me posting more often.

What is this novel idea, you ask? Well, let me tell you!

It will be on Fridays (or in today's case- a day very close to Friday).

I am calling it "Flashback Friday". What do you think? Fresh? Exciting? Gripping? Riveting?

Well, it turns out I have so many pictures from so many decades (yes decades) that are too magnificent not to share, so- I'm just going to share. Novel, no?

Well, here goes...

Happy Flashback Friday (or- in today's case- Saturday).

This is a picture of my mother and grandmother from July 4, 1953. I believe they were visiting cousins in Kansas City. (I'm sure my mother will correct me if I am mistaken.)

I think "weeeeeeeee!" would describe it best. Do you agree?

Love Thursday

2009-08-06T15:26:00.005-05:00

Today, on this Love Thursday, I will be posting about a... let's say, a different type of love.

It is called:

"Loving your child just enough so that you do not maim them while in a public dining facility."

So here is where my story starts:

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, elegant, and very, very, very patient (oh be quiet- yes she is) mother with three children. One day, this mother decided to take her children to the store to buy essentials for the eldest's upcoming birthday party. The shopping trip went something like this:

Older two children: "Mother Dear, how can we be of help to you? Our only aim is to please you and make you happy and proud of us."

Youngest child: "Screeeeeech, screeeeeech, whine, whine, whine, whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, screeech. Hi. Hi. Screeeeeeeeech."

It was most certainly a lovely trip.

After that, it was decided that the family would make a stop at a restaurant where food is served at a quicker pace. Soups, salads, and sandwiches are on the menu, making it a favorite of the children. The Mother and children quickly washed their hands, ordered their food, and sat down to wait. While waiting, the mother, ever so gracefully swished her arm to the side and unloaded her drink all over the table and floor. After that was cleaned up, the daughter, loving the mother so very much, chose to follow her pattern and most agilely spilled her drink all over the table and floor. It was so very delightful. Delightful, delightful, delightful. So delightful, I might add, that the mother exclaimed quite loudly, "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS!" (I'm sure she meant she couldn't deal with the overflowing amount of love she was feeling.)

After that scene, the youngest child chose this time to let all the patrons of this fine establishment know just how he felt about the delicious sandwich his mother put before him. That statement sounded something like this:

"Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech." And lasted for the duration of their stay. Which wasn't very much longer.

The mother, realizing that she would much rather spend these precious moments at home with her children- she sometimes has trouble sharing her children with the world- chose to grab several "to-go" containers, pack up the food (all while saying calmly and serenely, "I love my youngest son. I love my youngest son. I love my youngest son. I love my youngest son."), seized her youngest child from his highchair, and made haste to exit the restaurant. In fact, they left with such haste, it was as if the youngest child's feet flew behind him.

The mother chose this moment, while in the car, to reflect on the past few hours with her children, and fought the urge to cry. Whether this urge was brought on by the lovely noises her youngest child made, or the knowledge that one day, these children will grow up and they will no longer have trips like this- we will never know. But we do know this: The youngest child is still alive, has not been maimed, and will smile again.... someday.

So, there you have it ladies and gents. A wonderful story showing how the love of one mother kept her child alive, one fateful day.

Plus, could you maim a child who looked like this? Please.

Passion

2009-07-24T11:26:00.006-05:00

Passionflower from my back garden

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.”

~Joss Wheden

Miracles...

2009-07-08T22:22:00.003-05:00

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."
~Buddha

I Believe...

2009-07-07T13:18:00.007-05:00

"Who loves not a false imagining, an unreal character in us; but looking through all the rubbish of our imperfections, loves in us the divine ideal of our natures - not the man that we are, but the angel that we may be."

~ Lord Tennyson

Happy Independence Day

2009-07-05T20:48:00.006-05:00

“In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved.”

~Franklin D. Roosevelt

What's more loving...

2009-06-25T20:55:00.004-05:00

Than this?

Before:

After:

This is Emma's second donation to Locks of Love.

Both times I have grieved this haircut- I love her hair when it is long. But I can't grieve very long, because I quickly remember WHY she has cut her hair. I imagine another child wearing Emma's golden hair, and I can't help but smile.

I haven't had the heart to fully explain why those beautiful children need her hair, and it amazes me how willing she is to give with no greater explanation than, "They are sick right now and can't grow hair on their own, so they need help by wearing a wig from someone else's hair."

Wow. I love that kid.

Happy Love Thursday! More here.

Oh yeah, and PS? My husband- yes, my husband! Donated 10" of his hair to Locks of Love as well. What a great guy!

Dad, Dad He's Our Man...

2009-06-22T18:16:00.005-05:00

C'mon- you know it's ~~corny~~ cute!

Crown of Contentment

2009-06-21T20:41:00.007-05:00

“My crown is in my heart, not in my head,
Nor decked with diamonds and Indian stones,
Nor to be seen; my crown is called contentment;
A crown it is, that seldom kings enjoy”
~William Shakespeare

To Swing or Not to Swing?

2009-06-19T17:11:00.008-05:00

Swing!

How do you like to go up in a swing,
  Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
  Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
  Till I can see so wide,
Rivers and trees and cattle and all
  Over the countryside—

Till I look down on the garden green,
  Down on the roof so brown—
Up in the air I go flying again,
  Up in the air and down!

- Robert Louis Stevenson

Choo Choo Love

2009-06-18T08:04:00.005-05:00

What is it about trains and little boys?

It starts as curiosity, then so quickly you almost miss it- it moves to a consuming passion.

You begin with maybe a few trains, a couple pieces of track. Next thing you know, you have a train table, buckets of trains of all colors and types. Metal, wood, electric, noisy... Then you move on to train conductor hats, train whistles, it becomes all consuming.

And then it seems, as you reach the train pinnacle and you feel you can't handle one more "choo choo", one more "chugga chugga", the obsession begins to wane. But when that happens, you realize, it wasn't only your child touched by this train magic. You start to try to persuade your child to join you in some train time. You build big, elaborate train tracks, complete with hills and turns, and maybe a few twists. You start making the "choo choo" and "chugga chugga" sounds. Then you turn around and find you are playing with the trains. Alone.

How do I know all this? How, you ask, have I become this ~~consummate~~ self-proclaimed expert? Well, you see, I've been there before.

And this is how it all begins... Choo choo love.

Oh, and just so you know? You are in for some major turbulence when the train playing is coupled with helmet wearing. Big Trouble. Huge.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone. Check out more via Chookooloonks.

Swim

2009-06-17T19:35:00.008-05:00

(verb) propel the body through water by using the limbs...

Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement - and we will make the goal. ~Jerome Fleishman

Time Keeps on Slippin'...

2009-06-16T19:29:00.004-05:00

How many of you are singing that song now?

How do we slow it down? Is it possible? How do we take these days that seem to drag on for too long, and make them drag on even longer? There are so many days that I am willing the night to be here. Willing it to be bedtime for the little folk, only for it to start all over the next day. But I fear I am willing away my very best years. My most precious moments. And if I keep willing them away, and reaching for this future that is so unpredictable, will I miss out and forget the present that is surrounding me, calling me to take part? I want it to slow down.

My monkey-in-the-middle has had a birthday. He is now a year older. He is stretching himself into this future that I am trying to drag my feet against. Plug my ears against. Close my eyes against. Yet, every time I open my eyes again, there he is- taller, heavier, stronger, funnier, smarter... growing.

How do I describe this wonderful child? I have been so blessed to be in his presence for the past six years. Six years doesn't sound like too many- but look what has happened in those six years! It's a lifetime to this little guy. It's a blink of an eye to me. I have watched him discover, learn, laugh, cry. He is so desperate to be a "guy", yet I still see that little boy, that baby. My baby.

Charlie was named for my grandfather, and he has more than lived up to that name. I think my Papa would be proud to share his name with my Charlie. Since the day he was born, Charlie has had the uncanny ability to make me smile. It started with his noises, his cuddles, his baby-rolls, and has far too quickly transitioned to his jokes, his "Charlie-isms", and his chicken legs. But the one thing that has never changed is his smile. Charlie can light up a room with his smile. You can see it shine out through his eyes. You can't help but feel it's warmth.

So today I feel a push and a pull inside me. A push to keep this future from coming, and a pull to see all that is in store. I have seen six years grow on this boy. If I look real hard, I can see a glint of the man he will become. I can see it by the way he treats his sibling with love and respect. I can see it by the way he cares for his Mommy and Daddy. I can see it in the way he is so quick to laugh and so desperate to be brave, but so unabashed when crying out in fear or unfairness. I can see. I just hope I continue to keep my eyes open, so I won't miss a moment.

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy.

2009-06-15T07:45:00.003-05:00

“In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”
~ Kahlil Gibran

Here I go, here I go, here I go...

2009-06-14T21:32:00.006-05:00

Again!

A year. One whole year. Actually, one whole year and 3 months.

I'm starting slow. Not too much writing, but hopefully still a lot to see.

After all, this blog IS titled Picture This... we'll just keep the emphasis on picture.

So, here I go again.

Enjoy.

Me and you and you and me...

2008-03-13T15:38:00.003-05:00

So Happy Together!

Nonni bought Charlie and Jake matching shirts from the Renaissance Festival recently. Charlie insisted they wear the shirts today... it seemed a perfect fit for Love Thursday. I'm so lucky to have my Charlie and Jake.

While I'm in the lyric mood- on this Love Thursday remember: Love the one your with.

Love is, like, totally...

2008-03-07T00:11:00.007-05:00

Bubble-licious!

Happy Love Thursday. May all your days be gum-smackin', bubble-poppin', smiley fun.

A Great Grandmother's Love

2008-02-28T23:26:00.005-05:00

Happy Love Thursday.... hold on tight to those you love.

Hello?

2008-02-18T23:12:00.004-05:00

Is anybody out there?

So, I was thinking of actually writing here on a more regular basis. I mean every 3-4 months could be considered a "regular basis"... but maybe a more often regular basis.

Big Sister and Big Brother

2007-11-15T10:03:00.003-05:00

Can't you just FEEL the love?

He's Here!

2007-11-13T13:33:00.000-05:00

Well, it's only been, what, 4 months since I've written here?
And, because of these 4 months that have passed, you missed out on 3 months of my pregnancy.
You poor poor people (person?). But, here is my saving grace... I had a baby!!
So, as stated in the title: He's Here!
Jake Christopher was born on October 30th at 3:43 pm. (We do still call him Cubby as well)
He weighed in at 8 lbs 11 oz and was 21 3/4 inches long.
Today, that little man is two weeks old. Two whole weeks have passed right by me.
He is now 9 lbs and 22 1/4 inches long. He's already growing up too fast. *sob*

Without further ado, here is the sweet guy:

The Trampoline.

2007-07-10T18:26:00.000-05:00

Here's a little something to brighten your day...

We're laying on the floor in my son's room waiting for Daddy to call (he's in Colorado this week). My wonderful son is playing with his new critters and decides they need to jump on the trampoline. Guess what he used as their trampoline? No, really. Guess. I dare you.

My tremendous tush. My bouncy broadening backside. My doube-wide derriere.

Yes, my friends, he used my ass as a trampoline for his critters.

Connection

2007-06-30T21:19:00.000-05:00

I've had a bit of an awakening this evening.
Connection.
The connections we make in life need to be nurtured, not put on hold and thought of later when we have more time. Because really? When do we have more time? What if there isn't more time?
My aunt, my only aunt, is dying. I was called tonight told that it would most likely be a matter of days. She is only in her 50s.

I was never good at keeping in touch with my Aunt. When we did talk, I loved it. When we were able to visit- it was wonderful. But for some reason, I always put writing or calling her on hold. I had more time, right? I would do it later. But later has arrived, and I have run out of time. I wrote a letter to her tonight. I asked my father to read it to her tomorrow, if it isn't too late.

My Aunt Patti,

I'm sitting here trying to come up with the words to write to tell you how much you mean to me. I am having trouble because I know I have not been the best at corresponding through the years. A few emails here, a note there, always a Christmas greeting- but I feel it was not enough. I am wracked with remorse and shame over my failure to let you know, the many times I should have, just how magnificent a person and how brilliant an Aunt I feel you are.

Now you are entering a new stage of life, and I am sad. I am so sad that I am not there to hold your hand one more time, to talk to you one more time, to listen to your great travel stories one more time. I know that you are embarking on life's greatest journey, but I am just wishing for a little more time. I am wishing for a little more time so you can at least hear my words read to you and know I love you. I truly do love you Aunt Patti. You are always in my heart.

Always,
Jeannie

Connection.

It's important to make those connections a priority. Nurture them. Don't wait until you have more time. That time may not come.

Update:
Aunt Patti passed this morning, 7/1/07, at 8:10 am. She didn't get my letter.

Okay.

2007-06-27T08:34:00.000-05:00

Yep, everything is okay. After dealing with a fever fluctuating between 101 and 103 yesterday, my little man was brought to the walk-in by his wonderful Daddy. Guess what they found? Nothing. Nada. No ear infection, no strep, everything "checked out" as they said. Well, that's good. So, he continued to rest, then woke today with a 99 temp and a new outlook on life. He has been playing in his room this morning- superheroes and blocks- and I hear random howls of high pitched "wooooooaaaaahhhhhh"s and "aaaaaahhhhhh"s floating down the stairs. Because, you know, superheroes like to say "woah" and "ahh" a lot. A lot.

So as he is healing nicely, and my frazzled mind is slowly returning to normal (normal?), I am sitting outside, watching my beautiful daugther flutter through the yard with a magnifying glass calling, "butterfly, come back!" She decided to search for bugs today. The expedition began with an observation of red ants, "Mommy, I can see the three body parts!", and just a few minutes ago, a yell of, "I found one! Look what I found!" Her sheer joy of finding a tiny caterpillar on a vine growing in the middle of our yard was contagious. I couldn't help but smile. The funny thing about finding a caterpillar in our yard- well, it's really not that hard. We have a butterfly garden growing (quite profusely) and a butterfly cage to observe the lifecycle of the few types of caterpillars we are able to "capture". But she found this caterpillar on her own. Her own discovery.

So, here it is. A new day. And you know what? We're okay.

Ugh.

2007-06-26T10:18:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Why is it that having sick kids always sends me into a tizzy?
Not just a "oh my poor kids are sick, I feel so bad for them" type of tizzy, but a full blown "holy crap they're sick!! what do I do? Oh no! Oh no!" running in circles type of tizzy.

My poor boy has had some weird illness going on for one and a half weeks. He was ill last weekend (so much for Father's Day), seemed to be better by Wednesday, then the fever started back up again last night!

I seriously think children should come with a user manual at the hospital. You know, to tell you exactly how to take care of your child when a strange illness takes hold of them. You look up the symptom: fever, and it tells you exactly how long it will last, what to expect during the illness and how to MAKE IT GO AWAY!

I think it's the unknown that bothers me the most. Not knowing exactly what is or how to fix it. So instead, I become overzealous in my attempts at "making the child more comfortable." That would mean visiting his room 50+ times a day, "How are you doing? Do you need anything? Can I get you anything? Make sure you drink your water. Drink your water. While I'm standing here, drink your water. A few more sips. Drink your water. DRINK your WATER!"

So, here's my question to anyone who might be reading this...
How do you calm yourself and remain "zen" when your children are sick?

Love is...

2007-05-03T22:46:00.000-05:00

Orange Peel Smiles!

Happy Love Thursday... May all your days be full of orangey smiles!

Dolfins, Whalse, and Shrcse

2007-04-24T22:21:00.000-05:00

We're starting a theme on the Ocean this week. This morning, I asked Emma to write out on the board exactly what she would like to learn about the Ocean. This was her list:

Dolfins
walse
shrcse
see creechrs (<-- this was Charlie's idea)
seegls
fish
see trtls
craBs
manutees
octupoos
see Horse
sTing ray
jeleefish

Every time I have been in the classroom today, I've taken a moment to re-read this list. I am blown away by my daughter. Here is this magnificent, brilliant, beautiful five year old child sounding out words. Making lists. Taking charge of her education. She has decided where she would like this theme to go. Will she always be like this? Will she have this determination with the decisions about her life?

Sometimes, I'm afraid I'm not enough for her. I'm afraid she gets "pushed aside" because of her brother. And now there will be another child here pushing her aside. She is such a radiant child. She sparkles. She laughs so easily and cries out about the injustices she sees around her. She already knows that when she grows up she wants to save the animals. She happily claims that when she rides her bike to art class, "I'm saving the world!" She is shy and tender. She is silly and goofy. She is a loving, devoted child of God.

I worry about her future. The injustices she faces today are nothing compared to what she will face as she grows and matures and begins to understand true injustices in our world. How will I shield her? How will I protect her? How will I teach her to cope, when many times I feel like I can't cope? She has such a tender heart and I want nothing in this world to change that. I want her to always witness the good in people.

I see how she deals with being "pushed aside" by her brother. She joins him. She makes his ideas a part of her ideas. She incorporates herself into his life as well as incorporating him into her life. I see already how she will deal with being "pushed aside" by the new child by how she takes care of her baby doll. She holds her, swaddles her, feeds her, and makes every day for this baby doll a celebration. "Today is her birthday!" "She just started talking!"

Deep in my heart, under all the fear and apprehension, I know Emma will make it. She will be successful in her life. She has so much to give, so much she is willing to give, the doors in life will open for her.

Sometimes, I'm afraid I'm not enough for her.
But I know, I know, SHE will always be enough for her.

Take Care of your Mother

2007-04-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

Earth that is. (But you should take care of your Mommy, as well...)

My family has slowly been making strides toward living a more "green" life. A few things we are doing:
*Recycling as much as we can
*No more paper towels or paper napkins, now we use white bar towels and cloth napkins
*Started a compost pile
*Eating as organically as possible
*Replaced the majority of our lightbulbs with the Compact Fluorescent bulbs, and will continue as other light bulbs need replacing.
*Making some cleaning products as well as using eco-friendly cleaning products
*Researching a hybrid for our next vehicle

The biggest reason I have for making these changes? My children. My grandchildren. My great-grandchildren. I want to know I did my best to leave a good earth for future generations.
To quote an Ancient Indian Proverb:
"Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our Children."

Want to do something to help?
Go Zero -- allows you to convert your air travel to carbon neutral. You make a donation based on miles flown, they plant equivalent number of trees to zero you out.
GreenDimes -- removes you permanently from junk mail lists, and every month you're a member, plants a tree on your behalf.
Earth 911 -- gives you accurate, local information to protect your community’s environment.
American Forests -- They will plant a tree for every dollar you donate.
Engines Off -- A mom started this site to raise awareness of the poor effects of keeping your car idling while waiting.

It seems in so many instances, our children's safety is out of our hands. If you had the chance, wouldn't you want to change that?

The Rollercoaster of Life

2007-04-19T18:02:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been over a month (a month!) since I've written on my blog. I am a bad bad blogger. Well, here's my reasoning... I've been caught in a bit of a loop-de-loop on the roller coaster of life. There are the ups and the downs, but man those loop-de-loops really send you for a... loop?

So, the biggest news right now is the upcoming addition to our family. And no, it's not a puppy. Come October we will be the proud owners of a brand, spanking new 2007 edition baby.
Yep.
I'm pregnant.
I have finally entered the 4th month and things seem to be going well. I'm a little confused as to how I feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not disappointed by any means, I'm just a little.... apprehensive. I mean, it's been 4 years since I've done this. That doesn't seem like too long, but in my life it's been long enough to potty train 2 kids, make sure they are sleeping through the night, and speaking in complete sentences. Now we're starting all over! The kid's excitement is definitely helping me to ~~cope with~~ enjoy this a bit more. Emma has drawn several picture of me with a big belly, written a few lullabies, and is very concerned about making sure the baby's room gets done. I have to keep reminding her we have until October.
October.

I got news today from my father that my grandfather passed away last night. He had been sick for a while, but as my grandmother said today, "Even though you are expecting it to happen, it still shocks you." I feel the same way. I knew it was going to happen, but I am still shocked. I'm so glad I got to see him again- granted it was a couple of years ago, but I got to see him while he was healthy. The kids were able to meet him as well, so we have a few pictures and some video. That makes me happy because we have the memories to look back on- and the memories will forever be of my happy, healthy grandfather.

We're also coming up on the one year anniversary of my brother's death. He died last June, and I don't think anyone in my family has truly come to terms with it yet. Then again, I don't think anyone can come to terms with the death of someone so young with so much life still ahead of him. He was only 37.

So, it seems that I am personally experiencing the circle of life. One life leaves its earthy home, another enters. The loop-de-loops on the roller coaster of life certainly keep things interesting... but I think I may need some Dramamine soon.

Thriller!

2007-03-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

I saw this tonight and had to share it with every single one of you.
My reason?
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller
Bwaaahhh hahahahah!

Love Thursday

2007-02-22T18:50:00.000-05:00

We had this fantastic little family reunion this past Sunday. While my Aunt and Uncle are down to enjoy the weather for a while, their two daughters and two granddaughters came from Colorado for a visit. We all decided to meet at my parent's house. It was lovely.

The kids had a grand time playing with their little cousin Cassidy, and baby Rylee absolutely melted my heart.

Seriously. It melted! I mean, look at this child!

Isn't your heart a gooey mess floating around inside?

After the gathering, we decided to explore Nonni and Granddad's new sailboat. Yep, a real sailboat.

The kids had a fantastic time yelling sailor-y terms such as, "Aye, aye, Captain!" and "Land, ho!"

They were a right scallywag bunch. Or... something.

It was, all in all, a perfect day.

So, for this Love Thursday, I am reminded of the importance of family. The joys, the sorrows, the frustrations, the satisfactions, but most importantly, the love. Family has the ability to keep us whole. Keep us centered. Keep us just insane enough to live sanely in this world. Think about it... Where would we be without our family?

You take the good, you take the bad...

2007-02-17T18:49:00.000-05:00

Well, we learned a little bit about the facts of life today.
It's amazing how even the most beautiful and fun day manages to have a little bad push its way in. The Splendid Charlie had his first soccer practice today. He was so excited! I was too- I'm so happy he is on this team. His soccer coach is the most patient understanding man- and so good with the kids. We've been blessed to become friends with his family. His kids are the same age as Emma and Charlie and they get along so well! It's almost unbelievable. And his wife is this amazing woman. Great people. They do exist!!
So, back to our day... after soccer practice we went to lunch at this great little lunch spot, Chef Voila, with coach, his wife, and their kids.
After lunch, we rushed off to meet some friends at The Rep to see "Go, Dog! Go!" It was a colorful and lively little show. After the show, the kids were able to meet the "dogs" (that would be actors dressed up as dogs...) and I asked Kevin to run out and get the camera from the van. After all, our day would not be complete without pictures of the kids with actor dogs, right? Well, he was taking forever. I was watching out the window and I saw him coming in without the camera. Without the camera! He couldn't find the camera. HE COULDN'T FIND THE CAMERA?? So, of course, I ran out there to find the camera! I COULDN'T FIND THE CAMERA. Our wonderful Nikon D70s, also known as my third child, was gone. Gone. As in stolen. We had it at the practice. We left it in the locked car at lunch. While walking in to the Rep, Kevin asked if he locked the door. He started to make his way back to the car, but for some reason didn't. (I mean, I guess it could be the way I said, "We're LATE." Or something. ) And now it's gone. Gone. Someone violated our space. Felt the need to enter our car. To take our belongings.
Gone.

All the way home we were blaming ourselves.
Kevin: I should have trusted my instincts.
Me: I should have hidden the camera.
Kevin: I should have locked the doors.
Me: I should have let you trust your instincts.

Once home, Emma and Kevin got all fancied up and made their way to a Father/Daughter Valentine's Dance. They looked so wonderful. I wish I could show you pictures. Nice Nikon D70s worthy pictures. Yeah... that won't be happening. I will, however, be able to show you pictures from our old half broken antiquated camera which Emma has inherited. Once we remember how to use it.

So there you have it. A wonderful day with a little bit of yucky in the middle. I'm trying to keep my head straight about it. We can't keep blaming ourselves. We can't change what happened. It's already done. I think we have to pray for this person that felt there was no other way. This person that felt it was okay to invade someone else's space and take something that still has small bits of memories embedded. Images of our life. Daddy just coming home and embracing his little loves. Charlie running after the soccer ball with all the speed he can muster. Our life. It wasn't just a camera. But at the same time, it was only a camera.

So tonight, I will light a candle and say a prayer.
I will pray that this person finds goodness in their life.
I will pray that goodness will one day be enough.
I know there is goodness out there.

It should be enough.

Love Thursday

2007-02-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

This wonderful woman I have never met has inspired me. She doesn't even know she has inspired me. Encouraged me. Moved me. She is able to see such beauty, and capture it through a lens to share with the rest of us. I feel so privileged to be allowed access to so many intimate moments. Her name is Karen and she has a great photo blog she calls chookooloonks. She is involved in this great idea called Love Thursday. I think this is brilliant. Mostly because, as stated here, "you can never have too many reminders of love."

So, here is my submission. Seriously? What says love more than rectangular sunglasses given to you after an eye exam by Dr. Love?

Love is all around

2007-02-14T23:10:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you just really feel loved?

I woke up to two bright eyed happy children singing, "Good Morning! Happy Valentine's Day, Momma!" and a beautiful handmade card from the Magnificent Emma. We went downstairs and made heart shaped pancakes with strawberries while the children opened their new mailboxes (that Daddy made) and explored the goodies inside.

We then have a fun "love themed" morning of school.

Lunch was baby jelly butter sandwiches (that's PB&J to all you "normal" folks) cut into hearts, as well as carrots and banana followed by 1/2 a cupcake hand delivered by our awesome neighbor (just to clarify, she didn't hand deliver only 1/2 a cupcake- she actually gave us 2!). Those cupcakes tasted like love.

I received a couple of presents in the mail from my not present male. (did you catch that play on words? Sometimes I even surprise myself with my ~~corniness~~ cleverness...) The Amazing Kevin is still too far away from us and I'm willing him home with every ounce of my being.

The kids and I played and had so much fun today. To add to the Mary Poppins feel of the day, we actually tried to fly a kite. I really did feel like I was soaring.

Our day ended with an invitation by our fantastic neighbors to join them for a pizza dinner. You know you are loved when your neighbor invites you to intrude on their Valentine Dinner.
It was truly a lovely time.

So, whether you celebrate or not, Happy Valentine's Day.

Sometimes... there is love when you are least expecting it.
Sometimes... love is all you need.
Sometimes... love really is all around.

Therapy- with a side of Irony.

2007-02-13T23:32:00.000-05:00

So, someone really important to me has been going through quite a bit this past year. I won't go into too many details until this person gives me their blessing to "out them." But I talk to her often and find myself entrenched in the Therapist Role. Giving out some pretty good advice, if I do say so myself. Granted, I'm not sure if she is just smiling and nodding on the other end of the phone willing me to shut-up, but when I reflect back on my counsel all I can think is, "Why the hell am I not doing this stuff?"

Lately I've been finding myself in need of counsel. I'm not sure who to go to, though. Family will always side with you and give you the old "You're doing the best you can." Or "Chin up! It's not that bad." or "Shut up ya big sissy. You're being a moron." Friends can be good listeners, but I'm not sure if they would feel comfortable delving that deep into my life. I might scare them away. I know we all have our personal demons, but why can't they be sweet little demons instead of these monsters that make us crazy?

So they say to get rid of these demons, you should face them, right? What better way to face them than to put them on my blog for ~~all the world~~ five people to see, right? Right?
Here are a few of my confessions. At least the ones I'm ready to face for now.

1. I have been eating chocolate. A. Lot. Of. Chocolate. Not only that, I've been eating chips. A. Lot. Of. Chips. Instead of going to the fridge to grab a carrot when I need something crunchy, I grab a bag of chips. And eat them. ALL of them. (Okay, I might leave 5 in the bag so I don't feel like a complete loser. See, I only ate most of the chips, so I'm only most of a loser.) What's wrong with that? Well, when I'm constantly spouting the benefits of eating a healthful diet and staying away from things like, say, chocolate and chips, I tend to feel like a bit of a fraud.

2. I suck at keeping house. I'm not sure if you heard that. I SUCK at keeping house. Not only am I disorganized, but I'm worse than the kids about putting my stuff away. Yeah, I'll yell at them for not putting their scissors away, but I'll leave every single thing I've taken out right in the middle of the floor. For days. I get so frustrate about how completely out of control this house is. I'll complain to anyone within earshot about how impossible it is to keep up with my house, what with homeschooling and a husband working from home. And yet, who's to blame? You guessed it. Not my type A anal retentive husband (as much as I'd like to blame him). Yep. Me. Little ol' me. Well, not so little since I've been eating all the chocolate and chips in the northern heminsphere.

3. I am sleep deprived and cranky. It's not because my little sweet baby is waking me to eat or for a diaper change. My kids are 3 and 5. They usually sleep through the night. It's because I choose to go to bed at 2 in the morning. It might be 1 on a good night. And it's not because I'm exercising to get rid of the chocolate/chips pooch. Or to straighten up the house. It's because of my next demon.

4. The television. Oh, the television. I love me some television. And I have every excuse as to WHY I NEED TO WATCH TELEVISION. (Imagine the next few sentences in a whiny annoying voice) "I'm tiiiiirrreeed." "I've been with the kids allll daaaaayyy." "I neeeeeed a brrreeeeaaaakkk!" Oh, and I love the shows. I mean seriously? Who can get through life without knowing who Marin, Meredith, Rory, Betty, Veronica, or Paula will be sleeping with/breaking up with/getting back together with next? Oh? You don't know who any of those people are? You poor poor thing. Come on over an hang out with me. We'll push the papers aside, find a seat somewhere, open a bag of Natural Doritoes (yes, people they are Natural- does it get any better than that?) and melt our brains while watching a whole lotta TV.

I'll stop there. I'm not sure if you can handle much more than that. So, where's my therapist? Who is going to counsel me? How do I find my way to a better/happier/healthier/less brain-dead me?

I guess my first step would be to try actually listening to me once in a while. I'm finding more and more that I have faults. More than I'd like to admit to. But really, who is fault-free in life? I think the lesson I'm learning is it's important to take the time to really look at yourself, embrace your faults (they are a part of you, after all), and strive continuously to find ways to turn those faults around.

I found this several years ago, and I've had it up on my wall in my office for months. I'm not sure who wrote it, but I think it's time I take a closer look at it and take it to heart.

10 Ways To Be a Better Person
Becoming Who You Want To Be

1. Exercise patience in everything you do and understand that change will take time, devotion, and hard work. Accomplishing one simple goal right now will make it easier to accomplish larger more difficult ones later on.

2. Judging others is easy while judging oneself can be extremely difficult. Look at yourself honestly and ask: What would I like to change about myself? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What do I have to give?

3. There is no growth in resentment. Emotions are often directly related to your perception of the world around you. Viewing things in a positive light can make your world into a better place, and foster confidence and self-respect.

4. As you meet the needs of your body, nourish your soul as well. Each of us requires relaxation, love, and acceptance. Spend at least five unrushed minutes each day in meditation or another relaxing activity.

5. Listen to your heart's counsel. The logical, profitable, or fastest course may be in opposition with what you truly believe would be most rewarding. Following your heart can lead to great wisdom.

6. Accept that you have no control over the actions of others and discover the freedom of forgiveness. Letting go of old emotional wounds carries benefits to both body and soul.

7. Understand that failure, while painful, can be beneficial. Learn from your mistakes. Give the people in your life the chance to experience and learn from their own.

8. Never stop learning. True wisdom comes from knowledge and knowledge will only increase if you keep your mind open to new ideas and suggestions.

9. That which is in your power to do is also within your pwer not to do. Self-discipline is the foundation for all virtures. Avoiding toxic substances and keeping your body and mind healthy will help you break bad habits and adopt positive ones in their place.

10. The means to growth and change are within you and cannot be delegated to another. Live your life as you wish it to be, cultivate self reliance, take responsibility, and love yourself.

I hope today, you find peace.

Tissue? I don't even know you!

2007-02-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

I am sick of tissues. I guess I should say no pun intended? My wonderful children have decided to share their cold with me. Isn't that nice? So now I get to walk around the house with a tissue stuck up my nose sounding like a phone-sex operator. Don't you want to get with this?

So, tonight for dinner- since it is closing in on 5:00, will be Pesto Pasta. I got this recipe from the 30 minute girl but changed it only slightly so it's now Jeannie's 25 minute Pesto Pasta. Let's see, maybe if I start going over her recipes and changing one slight thing to make them all 25 minutes, then I'll put out a book. And get a TV show. Make that 2 TV shows. Or would it be 3? I'm getting a bit sidetracked imagining fame, money and many many followers. Okay, so back to the recipe.

* One package of ~~Rotini~~ Rigatoni pasta (I use whole wheat- healthier!)
(and after throwing a HUGE fit about how my husband didn't get the damn Rotini pasta I asked for, he ~~annoyingly~~ gently reminded me that he did get rotini pasta, and if I wanted the squared off ridged penne-type pasta- then I should have asked for Rigatoni. uhh- yeah. Oops. Good thing he's the Italian one...)

* Pre-packaged Pesto (make sure it has no hydrogenated oils- BAD BAD!) (You can make your own, but by buying the prepacked, I have now become famous for my 25 minute meals, so why do that?)

* Zucchini

* Green Beans

* Asparagus (which will later that night render comments from the Magnificent Emma of "Ewww! Asparagus Pee Pee!")

Okay, so- cut the zucchini, green beans and asparagus up to about the size of the rigatoni pasta.
Boil water, cook pasta- when there is about 5 minutes left, throw the veggies in so they become crisp-tender (I feel so professional with my crisp-tender)

Put pesto in a large pasta bowl. Put a ladle-full of pasta water to make pesto a bit more liquidy. Drain pasta/veggies and toss with pesto. Viola! Jeannie's 25 minute Pesto Pasta is complete!

Yep- just be careful of asparagus pee-pee. Apparently- it's kinda gross.

*picture coming soon- I have to wait for the computer savvy amazing Kevin to return from his business trip because apparently my computer hates me.*
*Oh- and in the long awaited picture of the Pesto Pasta? Yeah, you'll notice it's the damn rotini. *sigh*

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...

2007-02-09T14:18:00.001-05:00

and I'm feeling good! Welcome to my very own blog.

So, yeah, now I will be writing my own blog. I feel so cool. I must confess, however, I have never been much of a writer. So why write a blog, you ask? Ummm.... Uhhh... well, because. I want to. That's why.

I'll tell a little bit about me. I went to college in Florida and received my degree in Early Childhood Education. Before graduating, I met my amazing future husband, Kevin. After graduating, I taught kindergarten for 2.5 years. In that 2.5 years, I married the amazing Kevin and became pregnant with our first child, a magnificent daughter, Emma. I was thus a full time stay at home mom and ~~mostly~~ loved it. When the magnificent Emma was 1, I became pregnant with our second child, a splendid son, Charlie. These children are now 5 and 3 and are ~~sometimes more often than not usually~~ the lights of our lives. And now here I am, a homeschooling mother of 2 kids. How did I get here (besides the obvious, please)?
It's amazing how fast time is going by. I hope by blogging (am I the only one that sounds really funny to?) I can hold on a little bit to what is flying by me.

Who knows. Maybe I'll learn something about myself. Maybe like I'm actually rich. And I live on a gorgeous island. With cabana boys. Bringing me lots of fruity rum drinks. Nah... what fun would that be?

How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
Rivers and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside—

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown—
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down! - Robert Louis Stevenson